There is an analogy made that a relationship is like a bicycle. Each tire symbolizes a different person in the relationship. If both tires are pumped up, the bike can move more easily. On the other hand, if one or both of the tires is flat, moving the bike can be difficult, if not impossible.
Usually, this analogy is applied to couples seeking to build a romantic relationship. I would like to take this idea a step further and say this applies to all relationships, personal and professional.
Think of the bike as a load agreed on to share. This load looks different for each relationship as the goal and agreements look different. Some goals and agreements are laid out clearly. Others, unfortunately, are assumed agreements and are left unspoken. Even the most laid out business contracts can still leave room for assumptions. Assumptions can lead to resentment if not dealt with properly. If resentment is not handled the result is flat tires.
What is a flat tire? In the broadest sense, it is a lack of motivation to move the bike. Or, in other words, a person’s lack of motivation to carry a load. The reasons for that lack of motivation are many and will vary from instance to instance.
This applies to ourselves individually as well. Think of it like an unicycle.
In general, we carry two types of loads; loads placed on us and loads we choose to take on. An example of loads placed on us are necessities and needs. Some commonly discussed ones include oxygen, food, and water. But there are more than just those physical needs; it has been suggested that there are 9 other “Human Givens” [1] things we need to feel emotionally balanced.
Our bodies are great (usually) at letting us know when these needs, physical or emotional, aren’t being met, but many of us aren’t very good at listening. It’s not your fault; society hasn’t been very good at teaching. That all could end today for you.
Lets start with loads we place on ourselves unnecessarily. I don’t know you, but I’d recon there is something keeping you from recognizing the needs that your body has been screaming at you to take care of. Not dealing with these needs comes in different forms. For example, suppressing emotions until suddenly erupting in anger, coping with unhealthy substances or behaviors, purchasing or eating in excess, blaming others, gossiping, claiming to be a victim to avoid responsibility, jealousy. This is not an exhaustive list, and each of these deserves discussions in their own right.
At the end of the day, what all of those avenues share in common is 1) The underlying need is left unmet and 2) The method hurts you as it helps you
That’s what’s so hard about these cycles of behavior; they do help. Much of the time, we turn to destructive patterns of behavior because we never learned how to meet the needs in a healthy way. The unhealthy avenue is taken, and you find you feel better. When questioned, you might wonder why you need to change at all. Eventually, the hurt caused by these behaviors catches up, and you are left worse off than before. What’s worse is you might try to step away from these cycles, but if you’ve never learned how to meet your needs in a healthy way, you will more than likely end up in that cycle again. It is crucial to recognize that what you’re doing is destructive and go get help.
In this process, be curious. Listen to your body and try to identify the needs it’s telling you. I follow this process: I pay attention to how I feel, I recognize the thoughts I am having, and I ask myself, “Will acting on these thoughts lead to me hurting myself or others?” If yes, I then think of a different thought and see if that resonates with my feelings. I found google to be especially helpful in this. I would search what happens in the body when _________ (insert given destructive behavior) happens. I would see it talk about things like it releases neurotransmitters or hormones. Then I would ask how can I get _______(specific transmitter, i.e. Dopamine, oxytocin, Serotonin, Endorphins) in a natural healthily way.
Let’s take gossiping as an example. When participating in gossip dopamine is released, and sometimes oxytocin is released [2]. In general, dopamine acts in a cyclical fashion to first motivate and then reward. Your brain remembers what things provided dopamine in the past and will seek for similar opportunities in the future. oxytocin, generally, leads to increased remembrance of social experiences both good and bad. It makes a ton of sense to me that gossiping is a coping skill. All of the good feels and seemingly none of the bad, that is, until you’re the one gossiped about. All of a sudden, cortisol levels shoot through the roof. Feelings of stress, betrayal, and shame generally result. With enough time and thoughts, this could lead to feeling paranoid, worthless, and miserable. “If they said that about me, what other terrible things would they say about me?”
I hope you see how this example illustrates my point. Dopamine and oxytocin are normal natural transmitters that your body uses to address needs. Even cortisol is necessary for general body function, though too much sparks the flight, fight, or freeze reaction, which generally is not pleasant.
The ultimate goal is to regulate your body’s needs without the side effects. This is very complicated, and each person will have to figure out for themselves the different things that work and don’t work for them. For example, art, in a very broad sense, reduces stress and boosts dopamine. But if you hate art, then trying to force yourself to do art to feel better is going to build resentment. And we’ve come full circle. Assumptions can lead to resentment, and if not dealt with properly, lead to flat tires. We are very good at being absolutely negative about ourselves. It’s no wonder that for many of us, we have more stress than ever [3]. In a very real way, we gossip about ourselves to ourselves and hurt ourselves in the process. First and ask yourself why? This goes back to the Curiosity approach. In this example, why do you say you don’t you like art? When I grew up, I heard phrases like studying art won’t lead to a good paying job. These observations by others led me to misunderstanding art. What I learned fits with this notion that if it doesn’t produce money then it’s not worth your time. But value has more than one currency. And the really silly thing is I was in the marching band, I played the drums. I didn’t consider that art because, to me, it was cool, and at the time, art was dumb. But music is art. Art comes in so many forms, and you don’t have to like them all. Assuming you “should or shouldn’t” leads to extra loads not necessary to carry. Find what works for you, and confront those notions that if something doesn’t look how you expect it to be, it must be wrong.
Asking yourself why is the first step in negotiating with yourself. Some of us, and I’d venture all of us, have stopped negotiating with ourselves on at least one topic. The negotiation process only works when there is an open line of dialogue. Everything is a negotiation until you stop talking about it. I’ve used art as an example, but this includes your likes, dislikes, desired jobs, friends, where you want to live, who you want to be. There are blockers we place on ourselves. For example, we have to be or act a certain way, that beauty looks a certain way, that success in life is having the almighty dollar, that people should understand what I’m thinking without me having to say it. Why are you letting others tell you how to think? Why are you being a thermometer, reflecting the temperature of the room, instead of being a thermostat, and setting the temperature?
There are many very real reasons why. To fit in [4]. Fear of confrontation [5]. Trauma [6]. How you were treated as a child [7]. And other societal and internal factors.
These are very real and very complex issues we are facing as individuals and as a society. They add to our load. There is only so much load we can take on. If you find yourself struggling in your relationships with others, either at work, or family, or romantically, take a step back and look at the relationship you have with yourself.
As always, be curious. Be patient. You deserve respect. You always have. And maybe some of you have never given yourselves the respect you deserve.
This process can take time, and it’s a continuous process. At first, it will take a lot of effort. There’s, probably, a lot of stuff you haven’t been dealing with. The sooner you can recognize where you didn’t respect yourself or your values, the sooner you’ll be able to deal with it. You’ll also begin to see how others disrespecting you affects you if you haven’t already. The more you recognize and accept both what has happened to you and what you have done to yourself, the lighter your load will be and you’ll be more able to do and be all the things you want.
It is hard. It takes effort. The end result is so worth it. Find help from good sources. Channel these thoughts and actions with good values.
Do you want to improve your relationships with others? Do you want to negotiate better? Start with building your relationship and practice negotiating with yourself.
1) https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/human-givens-therapy
2) Natascia Brondino, Laura Fusar-Poli, Pierluigi Politi,
Something to talk about: Gossip increases oxytocin levels in a near real-life situation,
Psychoneuroendocrinology,
Volume 77,
2017,
Pages 218-224,
ISSN 0306-4530,
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2016.12.014.
3) https://www.healthline.com/health-news/people-more-stressed-today-than-1990s
4) Goldberg, A., Srivastava, S. B., Manian, V. G., Monroe, W., & Potts, C. (2016). Fitting In or Standing Out? The Tradeoffs of Structural and Cultural Embeddedness. American Sociological Review, 81(6), 1190-1222. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122416671873 (Original work published 2016)
5) Marie Waung, Scott Highhouse,
Fear of Conflict and Empathic Buffering: Two Explanations for the Inflation of Performance Feedback,
Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes,
Volume 71, Issue 1,
1997,
Pages 37-54,
ISSN 0749-5978,
https://doi.org/10.1006/obhd.1997.2711.
(https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0749597897927114)
7) De Bellis MD, Zisk A. The biological effects of childhood trauma. Child Adolesc Psychiatr Clin N Am. 2014 Apr;23(2):185-222, vii. doi: 10.1016/j.chc.2014.01.002. Epub 2014 Feb 16. PMID: 24656576; PMCID: PMC3968319.
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